So what does it mean to be authentic anyway?
I feel new physical sensations in me, being moments when I want to contract and not be seen at all. It’s like a squeeze on the ribs, I feel energetically as if I’m cutting myself as if I don’t deserve to be seen completely or loved completely.
The interesting part of this is that because it is something tangible, a physical contraction that I feel is affecting my body, it is making it easier for me to address the situation. To share more openly with those around me that I look forward to hiding right now.
Sometimes I know why other times I’m not sure, what I can say is that being open about what I’m experiencing has been very helpful. I find that I usually play the supporting role and I feel comfortable in this place. I feel confident in giving unconditional support to the people in my life who ask me or come to me for support.
The role of needing support for me has a close feeling about it, as if I don’t want people to see me as needing support. I don’t think this is healthy or positive. The feeling I would attach to this is the embarrassing feeling of not being able to do it all on my own.
This is something that I think is irresponsible on my part to put in the world especially because I am a teacher. Even the moments when I feel like I can do it “all by myself” still have the support of the people in my life.
My family has been in my corner all my life supporting me during my journey in a way I had taken for granted in the past, and as I allow the gravity of that support to reach me, I begin to notice another layer of support coming up. from my friends and the community.
I’ve felt unsupported many times in my life, does that mean there was no support? Or was he not looking at me? I can say that he was always there even when he seemed to disappear, he was still there, even when there were words exchanged that seemed unsympathetic, the actions of those in my life proved that they were still there.
The amount of support I feel is the amount I feel worthy of receiving. Since I’ve been thinking a lot during this pandemic, I’m starting to see a common thread for me that I feel unsupported. This is not rooted in reality. Of course, it might show that it doesn’t support me just by looking at certain aspects of a particular relationship. But why should I turn around like that? As I began to open up my perspective more, I could see that I was just refusing to see how certain people were there for me in their unique and special way. It’s not how I wanted them or expected them to be there for me. (Say what !!! people won’t be exactly the way I want them to be !!!)
In fact, it is very interesting how I can choose to go in a spiral to feel the support and love that come into my life or I can exhale to notice what I am missing. To be honest, usually both seem to be present at some point.
So my job is to turn my thoughts around to see the love and support there is. Then notice how my life changes, how my relationships are affected, how I present myself to the world. I’ve noticed that synchronicities are coming in a way that has completely encouraged me.
Is this something I call attention to every day, where does my attention go today? What am I most attracted to with my thoughts and feelings?
I think the way people respond to me is a loop of direct feedback of what I have going on inside, this is a liberating thought, while embarrassing me because I should always be in a “good” place and not behave- me in a way. which attract disharmony into my day. Yeah Al that sounds pretty crap to me, Looks like BT aint for me either.
Personal responsibility, I am responsible for how I feel, does this excuse the actions of another? No. In fact, I can make it much easier for someone to take responsibility when I take personal responsibility for my work. (I could extend this thought at a later date if felt necessary)
I write as a form of liberation from what I have in mind, hoping that someone will read it and be thinking of something similar and give me a sense of relief reassuring that I am not alone in my struggles. and to keep on doing the best.
Also, some of you may read this and be like who this charlatan is, what a tool !! Hahaha I think both answers are still valid here too because it shows what you don’t want in your life and you can go look elsewhere for what you’re looking for.
I’m not here for everyone, but I do my best to be authentic with my teachings and sharing. I’m on the trip, I haven’t solved everything. My life is not a perfect masterpiece, at the same time I like to work for this ideal because why not?
Why actively think and push things I don’t want to live with? And if I find myself thinking about things that make me feel like shit, should I be punished for it?
If someone else thinks of me as a terrible person, do I have to be terrible to make their reality come true?
When someone tells me that my actions hurt them, do I have to prove them wrong, because I can’t stand to be seen in a negative light?
I know my answers to these questions, but I don’t want to share them, I think it’s good to leave the questions open for today anyway. Thank you for taking the time to read this information or your true thoughts.
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